What Is Self-Sabotage?
We call it self-sabotage when someone keeps doing things that work against their own goals. But it isn't always obvious. You might keep avoiding something you want to do, or walk away from an opportunity you actually wanted.
Not everything you put off is self-sabotage. Sometimes you're busy, tired, or have other priorities. But if you keep doing something that gets in the way of what you want, it's worth looking at what's happening.
What Self-Sabotage Can Look Like
Sometimes self-sabotage is obvious. You keep putting off something important until it's too late. Other times it's harder to recognize. You may pull away from a relationship that's going well, or spend so much time preparing for something that you never actually do it.
You might avoid a difficult conversation until the problem gets worse. Or make progress toward a goal, then stop just when things are beginning to work. You may even find yourself making the same choice again, knowing how it turned out last time.
Why Do I Keep Sabotaging Myself?
There isn't one explanation for self-sabotage. Sometimes you're avoiding something uncomfortable. Sometimes you want two things that don't go together. And sometimes you've simply fallen into a habit that you keep repeating without thinking much about it.
For example, you may want a closer relationship but feel uncomfortable when someone gets too close. You may want to succeed at work but worry about the expectations that success could bring. Or you may keep postponing a decision because making it means giving up other possibilities.
Sometimes a belief is involved. You might expect rejection, failure, criticism, or disappointment, even when there's no clear reason to expect it. Other times, the problem is more practical. You may not have enough time, information, or support to do what you're trying to do.
How to Recognize Your Own Pattern
If you keep finding yourself in the same situation, try looking at what happens just before you do the thing you later regret. That's often where you'll find something useful.
Think about a recent situation where you didn't follow through on something you wanted.
- What did you want to do?
- What happened just before you changed course?
- What did you do instead, or avoid doing?
- What happened immediately afterward?
- What did you get out of doing that, at least in the moment?
Maybe you felt relieved because you didn't have to face an uncomfortable conversation. Maybe putting something off gave you more time before making a decision. Or maybe you didn't get anything out of it. You simply did what you've done many times before.
How to Begin Changing the Pattern
Once you start recognizing the pattern, see if you can catch it a little earlier. Instead of waiting until you've avoided the conversation or abandoned the goal, notice the moment you begin looking for a reason to put it off.
Try doing one thing differently. If you're avoiding a conversation, decide when to have it. If you're overwhelmed by a project, choose one small action you can actually complete.
Pay attention to what happens when you do something differently. Does the discomfort pass? Does the situation turn out the way you expected? Or do you discover another obstacle you hadn't noticed before?
When Understanding Isn't Enough
You may already know exactly what you do and why you do it. You recognize the pattern, understand where it came from, and know what you'd rather do instead. But when the situation comes up again, you find yourself reacting in the same familiar way.
Knowing why you do something doesn't always make it easier to stop. The reaction may be so familiar that it happens before you've had much chance to think about it.
Sometimes a belief or expectation is part of what keeps the pattern going. You may know that the belief isn't true, but still react as though it is. I've written more about this on the Limiting Beliefs page.
Working With Me
If you keep repeating a pattern despite your efforts to change it, individual work may help us understand what's keeping it going.
We begin by looking at what happens, when it happens, and what seems to trigger it. From there, we can explore any emotional responses, expectations, beliefs, or conflicting needs that may be involved.
Depending on the person and the issue, I may use hypnotherapy, NLP, parts work, or other approaches. There isn't a fixed method for everyone.
The goal is to understand what's keeping the pattern going and work toward changing it, rather than simply trying harder to control the behavior.
Questions or Scheduling
If you recognize a pattern that keeps interfering with something important to you, we can work with it in a private session.
I see clients in Albuquerque and online through Zoom.
You can book a private session online, or schedule a consultation if you'd like to discuss your situation before deciding how to proceed.